Mom guilt is a hot topic that stretches across the lifespan, it seems. From pre-pregnancy, to pregnancy, to toddlerhood, early childhood, and adolescence, all the way up through young, middle, and older adulthood. You can probably think of ample times you’ve either experienced it, witnessed it, or even participated in dishing it out–probably not intentionally. So, why is mom guilt so pervasive and consuming? Where does it come from? How do we finally get rid of it? Read on as we explore the answers to those burning questions.
Exploring Emotional Systems: The Foundation of Mom Guilt
Let’s start with the basics and think of this through systems. We (humans) are “programmed” with three emotion regulation systems: Threat, Drive, and Soothe. The threat system packs the most punch, pun intended! It has high influence over our behaviors and can cause us to react very quickly. Enter here: the negativity bias that was designed for our survival. Evolutionarily, this was built in for protection to ensure that we could recognize threats in our environments and react accordingly. You’ve probably heard of the classic fight/flight/freeze responses. In moderation these are adaptive and serve a functional purpose. Translate that to modern life where our alarm bells can be triggered by emotional threats, just as physical ones, and we have one piece added to the mom guilt puzzle. That is, we use our negativity bias for what it was intended to do, but we take it a step further by filtering our emotions through the same system. Sometimes, this results in “false positives” where we interpret something as a threat that may not actually be a threat. The threat system houses emotions like anger, anxiety, and self-criticism. When this system is activated, you get thoughts like “I’m a bad mom…”. If you’ve struggled with these thoughts, know that you are most certainly not alone. Blogs like this one are written because it’s so common that having a space to discuss it is essential. We’ll get to what to do about those thoughts in a future post, but for now, let’s keep exploring these drives and how they fit into the Mom Guilt puzzle.
So, next is the drive system. It’s what pushes us to accomplish and be goal-directed. We humans (and mammals) are motivated by achievement and resources. It feels good (hello, dopamine), and it’s the hub of pursuing, striving, and achieving. When motherhood is approached with a strong desire to “get it right” or be successful, we place quite a bit of pressure on our shoulders. This is where you get comparison thoughts like “I should be doing….”. How many times have you found yourself comparing to other moms? I’ll tell you what wasn’t around back when all of this got wired together….social media! In our modern world where there is so much over-exposure to what everyone else is doing, it’s nearly impossible to resist the comparison trap. Comparison really is the thief of joy, and can be corrosive to our budding identities as moms at any stage in parenthood.
That brings us full circle to the final system- the soothe system. This is our mammalian caregiving system. It operates when there are no active threats or goals that need to be pursued. It encourages warmth, nurturing, caregiving and receiving. The primary motivation of this system is to rest and digest. It also helps us to connect with the needs of ourselves and others. The mere fact that this system was evolutionarily programmed in, means that we can absolutely, undeniably count rest as a necessity. When we’re in this mode, we can embrace moments of stillness and snuggles with an open-hearted presence.
The Untold Reality of Mom Guilt: Why It Persists
Now that we’ve completed three components of the puzzle, addressing why mom guilt is so pervasive and where it comes from, let’s talk about the number one burning question: how do we get rid of mom guilt??
The answer may surprise you…and it is: We Don’t.
Womp….womp….
Wait! Keep reading…
Here’s the thing: when we get into the mode of willing something away, pushing it down, or striving to get rid of it, that’s activating the driving mode. Mom guilt doesn’t respond super well to that mode for the reasons we’ve explored above. It’s kind of like the pink elephant. Try not to think of a pink elephant! Now we’re all seeing pink elephants and feeling mom guilt. We’re off the track!
Embracing Self-Compassion: The Mom Guilt Antidote
Here’s the answer:
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has a tangible impact on the body. It taps into the mammalian caregiving system, triggering the release of oxytocin. Increased oxytocin levels promote feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. This contributes to warmth and compassion for oneself and tends to have ripple effects to our loved ones.
Research shows that self-compassion practice contributes to increased heart rate variability, reflecting a greater openness and flexibility in responding to the environment. This suggests that self-compassion makes individuals feel safer, reducing defensiveness. Can you see how the effects of self-compassion can be protective against the triggering of the other systems, in stances when they may not need to be triggered?
Navigating Motherhood with Self-Compassion
Our goal is not to turn off those other systems. There is, in fact, no off switch. Rather, we can practice self-compassion to dial down faulty triggering of those systems so that we can be present with our loved ones, gentle with ourselves, and function from the “this is tough, but I’ve got this” place of mothering. In addition to practicing self-compassion on your own, remember that we are creatures who thrive on connection. Practicing self-compassion in community with other mothers can be incredibly healing and therapeutic. This is an essential part of our “rest and digest” programming, so be sure to lean into the supports that make this possible for you.
With love and care,
Lauren
